i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
