the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
