Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
