Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
