It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
