every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
