Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
