I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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