when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
