My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
