I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
