Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
