My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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