She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
