i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
