The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
