Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
