i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I came so hard my ears popped.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
