Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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