i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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