dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
