At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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