then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
