Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
