I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
