The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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