I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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