I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
