I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
