I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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