She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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