I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
