when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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