Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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