Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
