Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
