i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She bit a glass in half.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
