Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
