If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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