Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
