u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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