I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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