I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
where are you?
Hypothermia
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
