I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
