dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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