Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
