I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
