I feel great
I just peed on a car
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
