How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
