I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
