dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
